Rant in the middle of the night,or morning?

2:04 AM

 i could not hope for anything better now.i mean like.it just happened so bad and no one could see this happened or even expect,but for what i see is a teasing joke turns to a disaster,damn i rant a lot about my life right now because now past 12am,it's the last day of 2011,what did i wish for 2012?don't effing ask me because i have no plan and i fucking lost at this moment right now,i cannot ask people not to give up on me when they already do,seriously,i did not say i am the perfect 100% but i put effort on something i really care on and want it to be wonder and under happily ever after,but sometime's things just could not work out as you wish or hope,fuck it. 


seriously for me,today,i mean yesterday until now i never smile and i never felt any better but getting worst.just feel like rant it out loud to my neighbor and fucking slap on my own face.damn,how bad i can feel now is like,build up somebody to trust you once like they used to,even thought not 100% but at lease 80%,i do have a ugly mistake and past but i don't want them to stop me moving forward in my future,but things could pull you back to hell due to your mistake or past,so readers,don't do silly mistake could just pull you back to hell and you would never have a chance to change,because some people would think that you trying prove that you are trustworthy but the thing is,they still do not trust you?my life is like a story book and i am living in a chapters now and i am going through something i really don't want to but things change,all we can do is just facing the fact that,no matter how we do,we could not get it back when it explode out of sudden,plus,even though you wanna come clean?impossible,there is some people won't wanna trust you from what they see.like it feels like thousands of knife stabbing in your heart,your mind and it could kill you if you just can't hold it.


now i just have no idea what to go on,all i could do is focus on my family and i really fragile like a red wine glass.my mind is blank.all i can do just rant about my day right now,cool huh?its been up and down like ocean waves.but all i hope is having a life without fighting and crying.but it just so hard to achieve somehow?


it's 1.54am in the morning right now,i am on my bed with my notebook (so called lap top) on my lap typing how i feel now,on my blanket on,but still feeling cold,maybe because i am lonely right now...i could cry like any second or minute right now.but i just keep learning how to hold my tears right now.and looking back this years.really,i feel down,all my effort..just went down back to the beginning,no...just end...i hope i can be alright asap,because college is going to start,it's going to be new semester,stress works and assignment coming and my result coming out.i can't wear that shield that keeps me warm every night anymore.now i feel terrible..i hope when i close my eyes and open my eyes again,it's going to be just a dream.pretty pretty please buddha 


goodnight,oh?should be morning readers,xoxo








try to think why is this scar on my wrist ever exist,you know why.if this is all about a lie,this would not be happened and i did not need to stay there and explain for you.

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